(This is NOT medical advice. Please seek help from a professional if you need to. )
PTSD is this fucked up mental war and it just loops and loops. Every time you think that you have figured out how to end one loop, two others present themselves as though its a gang of fear. The more anxiety you feed into the larger the loops get and the harder it is to get out of the cycle. No one person experiences PTSD the same. It varies and our ability to cope varies. PTSD means that you are in a constant combat zone in your own fucking head. Its real, more folks suffer from it then we realize AND a lot suffer alone as there has been so much stigma about it over the years. Not many will be honest and share. Sharing can feel like you are creating another loop for anxiety to replay in. The fear of sharing can come from the fear that you will be judged or whispered about because well? We do live in that kind of world. THAT alone causes more anxiety. Some folks with PTSD stay in a state of anger, whereas others just stay in isolation. Some want to sleep all the time, and others are impulsive and act out. There are so many different ways that folks with PTSD live.
ONE of My biggest PTSD loops is that of the house burning down. We had a kitchen fire a few years ago and we almost lost everything, including my ex-husband. I remember to this day how scary that was and how easily things can get out of control. Then, POOF, the whole fucking kitchen was on fire! I never knew that formaldehyde was in the kitchen cabinets nor did I know how flammable that shit is. AND We embalm our dead in this shit? Anyway, this was Thanksgiving of 2001. And to this very day, it takes me a while to leave the neighborhood as I come back and double-check everything to MAKE triple sure that there is no reason for a fire.
After the fire, I couldn't leave the house. I would shake and cry. I struggled with getting into the car and then turning on the ignition. I struggled with a full night's sleep as the “explosion” in my dream would wake me. To make this time in my life more memorable, it was not too long after Sept 11th in which I had to figure out how to get back to Maine from Chicago. My relationship with my ex was growing worse and I was trying to keep my job. I wasn't able to focus on anything and that was the beginning of the end for that chapter of my life. I had no coping skills nor anyone to talk too. I was reminded of my failures by my ex and his family and that just added more nails to my PTSD coffin. I shut down and agreed with their blame.
It was my fault and I should have gone to his sisters for Thanksgiving. None of this would have ever happened if I just did what they insisted I do. I should just simply give up my power, my voice, and my needs to appease others. Of course, this dialogue only added to my PTSD loop but then I didn't understand that was a “thing”. So, I suffered alone. In silence. Crying while I showered. Feeling tremendous guilt for years and fearing that if I were to cook again, I would burn us alive. It was far too much but it was deeply how I felt at the time. I was feeling embarrassed when the neighbor witnessed my driving in and out of the driveway 4 or five times in one hour.
Each layer of incident thickens the mental jail we get stuck in. The loops become more vivid and the anxiety takes over our thinking. It's a constant battle to stay in the here and now when the story that PTSD SCREAMS in your head is such a fucking distraction. Most of us begin to withdraw from activities outside of where we feel comfortable. The loops become too much and juggling a normal conversation with the loops can be overwhelming. We get anxious and say something stupid or awkward or impulsive. Subconsciously sabotaging our time. We find that all of a sudden we feel ill or something comes up when we are invited out.
We end up in relationships that just ADD to the loop cycle and are super unhealthy. We fall out of the jobs, hobbies, and things we loved before as we can no longer stay focused on that joy. We find that we are just shit and our loops encourage that thought, while our loss encourages the feeling. So, we find shit things, to feel the same as the shit that loops in our head. THAT'S how we get stuck. That's our way of our normal. Our heads are looping with shit stories so we need to feel with our bodies that these stories are real and we create more shit stories.
The anxiety causes a feeling that no one would understand. That's what you tell yourself to avoid leaving your mental loop. AND if you talk about it then everyone will think you are crazy. There was a time that everyone thought that a person with PTSD would go on a shooting spree so most of us just kept quiet and silently suffered as we are not shooters. Shit, for most of us? Our anxiety causes us to shake so much, I don't think we would actually shoot well, much less have the ability to actually cock a gun.
So, we stay in shit relationships because it's far easier to find someone to deflect with and be dismissive towards then trusting that they might understand the river of floating nightmares our mind is drowning in. Some of us use pharmaceuticals to try and quiet the loops. Almost all of us self medicate in some fashion. Most of us feel desperately alone even when being held by the love of our life. Trust is not an option and the more incidents we have that encourages our anxiety, the less and less likely we will ever have the ability to trust. And the less we learn to cope, the loops continue to take over our lives.
PTSD was once thought of as a war “only” issue. However, abuse is always a war and we are now understanding that severe trauma can lead up to a diagnosis of PTSD. Not just WAR related trauma. The hardest part of PTSD is how to slow down the loops enough to allow our bodies to realize that we are not actually under attack. Its a life long struggle to balance living and to train our bodies to be at ease. We have good days, and bad. I think I have actually gone as far as 4 really good days in a row. It's the coping that is hard. Trust is an issue and if you can't trust your own head, how can you trust anything?
Chloe used to get annoyed with me about turning around and checking all the burners. I couldn't get past two miles or so before my breathing became restricted and my mind would pursue the chatter in my head that I MUST have left something on. I don't remember EVERYTHING so I COULD have. That's the negotiating that PTSD does with me. I very well may have…. See how sly this can be? As I find a way to turn around, I would start rattling off each step I took before I got out to the car. My anxiety, however, likes to throw in a few “what-ifs” and “did you's”.
I pull into the driveway and my breathing changes back to normal, my heart is in my chest not beating in my throat anymore as I don’t see smoke pouring out of the windows. I race out of the car with my keys to check every square inch. I have learned to say each step I take out loud and that has been a tremendous help at keeping things in check. I turn around a lot less these days.
The good news at least for me, I am really understanding with myself and I finally understand that I am a work in progress. Now that my daughter was recently diagnosed as well, I hope that she sees the work and grows healthier from it. I have to now work harder than ever as I don't want her to ever lose hope. I do believe that I can heal from this. I get better every day. I have and will continue my journey in putting my self back together. However, for the longest time, I hid my story. Who I really am and what pieces made me.
Once I was honest with myself and those around me with what I was up against? My demons started to fade. The more work I do on loving myself and my inner kaleidoscope? The fewer nightmares I sleep with. Yes, my “emotional quagmire” is a hauntingly & beautiful battered castle. I do visit from time to time.
I just refuse to live there.
Until next time……………..
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I write pieces of my 43-years journey circling this planet. Some are past and some present. The time is not relevant.
It’s the story of healing, hope, transformation, and my overall determination not to give up.
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