I write pieces of my 44-years journey circling this planet. Some are past and some present. The time is not relevant.
It’s the story of healing, hope, transformation, and my overall determination not to give up.
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As I hug Chloe and pray that I can put her pieces back together, the world is in full pandemic and rioting. Cities around us, all over are on Fire. Folks being peppered and rocks being thrown. The vitriol being painted on buildings and mom and pop shops being robbed with an excuse that it's a political cause. The amount of pain that we are faced with is already enough.
The explosions around us of rage, anger, hurt, frustration, and the lack of leadership fill our airways. Social media repeating messages of anger. Rage. Violence. Looting. Death. And offering nothing more than conspiracies, blame, scapegoating, and reminding us how corrupt the judicial system is. All while filling our heads with SHIT. CRAP. GARBAGE! And most are allowing this to happen by absorbing it.
Democracy is dying and the world around us is simply crumbling.
Chloe and I have faced fear before. We have lived for the last 15 years with a man who is chronically attacking us, using the courts as a weapon, and putting Chloe in the middle of a battle that lives only in his head. The rest of the world could give a flying monkey about his personal hatred of me. We have bigger issues to worry about. BUT Chloe and I have faced this monster before and will have to face him again. Her fear of him. His rage. His uncontrollable anger. And now? A pandemic, cities all over in riot, and a President who is loving this Choas.
It's hard to believe that all of this is happening. I honestly believe that this all escalated because of social media. Because we continue to repeat hatred, negativity, false information, and fears. Simply put, we created this out of fear. Sharing fears over & over. We created this because we have been fed uncertainty and we lack anything tangible to feel right with. As I am working towards healing our lives from my Ex, we are now living a new trauma, and it is fucking awful. This new trauma is shared by everyone else and NO ONE -with a brain-can misunderstand this pain.
We are simply scared of having to travel this summer as we don't know what the hell we will run into and my ex? Spends his time yelling at my child about me instead of offering her a shoulder of support during a crisis. He spends his time putting her down instead of offering her hope. Eerily similar to the apathy offered by our very own White House. He takes his swings at me and hasn't figured out that I simply don't care. His story is his and he can keep sharing it but I have bigger things to do. Like, keep us safe. Protect my child and figure out how the hell we are going to heal from THIS TOO.
Somedays, it is just too much. So? No social media. We don't have cable as many of you know and I refuse to engage with the ignorance that is showing up all over the place. I sit in silence. I sit in my garden. I pray for the healing of our world and I pray that this ends soon. I write in my grief. I love in my grief. I forgive in my grief.
Yes, I cry and allow my grief to spill out. I cry, letting go of what I can not control and not allowing more negative to enter my body. I do the best that I can alone, on this big rock filled with so many angry souls. I do the best that I can to keep us safe, protected, and warm. I do my best to protect Chloe from anymore injury by her father or anyone else for that matter. I do my best to honor those who are out there making other folk's lives better. I want them to shine and I work hard to get their stories out while I grieve alone.
Eventually? Eventually, there will be a new world to learn. A new way of being. This current destruction will end and new growth will emerge from the ashes. The rubble will get cleared and the number of lives senselessly lost, will be honored.
Eventually, I'll be able to squeeze Chloe just right and she won't hurt anymore. I will eventually heal my wounds and we will live in harmony. Eventually, all of this will shift and things will be better.
But the ghosts of what has happened will still echo. Those who died. Those who hurt. Those who hate. They will echo. Reminding us of what has come to pass. I look forward to that Eventually place I am dreaming of. A place where we are finally safe from all the monsters. Safe from the rage. Safe from hate.
Eventually!
Until next time!!!
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