Excerpt from “Having tea with my Skeletons: 2015”
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“Forgiveness is a tough subject for most. Some wonder why I can be forgiving to my Birthmother and how I can be so cool about my life. Some wonder why I don’t try and find my molester and press charges. Many folks wonder why every Sunday I put my Ex-husband’s name in the prayer box for the congregational prayer. Some have stated that this book is so upsetting that they do not understand why I would write it, and stand in the middle of the street perfectly naked for all the world to see. My response is forgiveness. In order for me to truly heal, I need to be forgiving of the past. I don’t condone it and I don’t repeat it. Yes, it is true that my birth mother could have made changes and coped better and sought resources. BUT she did not. She is stuck in her E.Q. and one day, maybe after this book she too can find forgiveness and heal. Who really knows where this story goes and how it will evolve. I have also learned that shoulda, coulda and woulda’s get you nowhere. It is what it is and I am what I am from this lesson. I am not able to change the past nor do I think I would want to if given the chance. I truly believe that my past was purposeful. I hope that my story will give hope and help to those of you who are trapped in this vicious cycle and provide a guide for coming out of it.
I am asked often, how can I possibly think about forgiving my birth mother or stepfather. Why would I bother? They were knowingly abusing me and neglectful. They knew what they were doing and did it anyway. Yes, this is true. However, in order for me to heal, I have to forgive. I have to accept the things I cannot change and be willing to change the things I can. What I can do with this history is to help others heal. I am happy with who I am and where I am going in my life. I live a very joyous life. I do have bad days like everyone else, I feel sad from time to time but that is natural. I understand what it is and move on. I look for the good in everyone and everywhere. It is there, sometimes hiding. I do not want to live the rest of this glorious life sad and angry about what I cannot change. I want to live the rest of my life-changing what I can. I can be in the present, serving my purpose and enjoying today.
That is all I can do and that is enough for me.
I have always had the strength. I am ready to share my story because I know in my heart that this story is not the only similar story out there. If this book can empower someone else to work through and heal their past so that they can move forward and help others, then all my work is worth it. Every tear, every scar, every criticism, and every wound was worth it. I am serving my purpose here in this life.
There is sweetness to me, the ‘do-gooder’ attitude I’ve always had. My Ex said I was naïve. I believe he is right. Yes, I have a rough edge but I am very soft on the inside. Ewwy gooey.
I didn’t get the opportunity to practice anything when I was growing up. We always moved before I could settle or my dream was dashed before I could try. Now, I practice all the time and have become really good at. I practice LIVING and have become really good at it. I practice TEACHING and have become really good at it. I practice LOVING, LAUGHING AND ???? too. I want to help, do good things and fill my emotional bank account with love. I withdraw love from my bank to receive love. Yes, I have been taken advantage of. I have received checks that bounced, been disrespected and used. But at the end of the day, those who have purposely acted this way will have filled their emotional bank accounts with bounced checks, disrespect and abuse. They withdraw what they put in. This is not my problem nor is it my concern. I walk away and don’t allow them to deposit again. However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love or see the beauty in them. I just forgive and move on.
My focus is to do and to be in the state of love. Loving ways, caring ways and empowering to those who are ready to be empowered. Those who are seeking peace within themselves are my concern. Those who want to deposit love and self-worth into their emotional bank. Not everyone is ready for that but if the seed has been planted, who knows how this garden will grow? I am open to this universal Experiment and make a daily effort at planting seeds. I get excited when I see sprouts from what I have planted. I radiate and find such joy! My vibration is high and I now know how much my personal energy affects others. I have been told that when I walk into a room, I glow. The days I am not feeling 100%, I don’t walk into rooms. I don’t want less than positive Glowing energy for others to feel. This is also a method of planting seeds. Have I found myself a reclosed at times? Yes, healing is a process and sometimes finding a quiet alone space is needed to have clarity. I had to relive my personal story so that you can benefit from it and it was super tough. But I did it. I understand it and am able to share it with you. This is all forgiveness and coming from this place of love that I have always had. Deep inside me, there has always been this light, love, and peace.
This place has helped me to survive all of my lessons. I want to share that with you and allow you to deposit it into your emotional bank. May it be your first “Lucky Penny”. Withdraw this love, light and peace and share it with others. Only deposit love, light and peace. Don’t accept the deposits that will bounce. You are better than that and deserve so much love. Know this. Hold yourself responsible for your Emotional Banking and when you do, this life is simply amazing!
The process of forgiveness is not easy but it is needed to move on to the next level of your life. I knew that this book was important to write many years ago and it has taken me years to write it. I would start and stop when it became too painful to write anymore. Why? I had to forgive. I had to forgive all the events and people associated with those events. I had to forgive myself. I had to step outside of myself and let go of any shame, guilt, and feelings of self-loathing I developed throughout my journey.
Otherwise, this book will not serve as a healing tool for others. I had to heal myself or my words would have no meaning to you and all of the tears would have been wasted. SO, I devised a plan to go into my closet and face my skeletons. At first, it was one by one. I started with the easiest one. Slow steps. Baby steps. Now, we all hang out as a group and chat. I am good with all of this. I knew at 8 that the only person who was going to change my life was ME. Even then I was trying to change other peoples lives.
I always have held a strong belief that it was only a matter of time that I would be free enough to make my changes and to become a better person. I knew that what I was Experiencing was not right. It was very wrong. I knew that this pain was not normal and unnecessary. I just didn’t know why or how to change it. I was very wise at such a young age but my environment pushed me harder to be so. I had places in my life where I could have taken the low road and succumbed to drugs, sex rings, and violence. For some reason, I couldn’t. This light inside of me never allowed me to become my environment. My environment pushed me to be a Warrior against this madness. A fighter for the good. My first true hero was Wonder Women. I remember so wanting to be like her, to save and stop the bad guys. Then I fell in love with Yoda. I really thought I was going to marry him. No joke.
Now, I see why these two characters resonated with me in a deep way. They too were wise and wanted to fight the evils of this world. While my classmates were in love with Abba and Michael Jackson, I was fully embracing my marriage to Yoda and how I was going to live and be trained by Wonder Women. As cute as this story is, I also see how these characters were the seeds in my life to help guide me forward. To the here and now. To write this book and help you through your journey. However, the seeds arrive, whatever shape or form, they get into your garden and will thrive if you water them. My Yoda and Wonder Women seeds I watered often because even then I could see myself growing and helping others.” Having Tea with My Skeletons, 2015
Until Next Time…….
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I write pieces of my 43-year journey circling this planet. Some are past and some present. The time is not relevant. It’s the story of healing, hope, transformation, and my overall determination not to give up.
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Write me:
2828 S Mccall Rd
32–4
Engelwood, FL 34224
