As a child, we had very little. The anger and frustration my parental unit felt was the only air we could breathe. There was a depth of unhappiness on our living space that made everything fearful. We had lack. Lack of thinking, lack in luck, lack in relationships, our bodies just lacked healing ability, and we just simply lacked. Of course, I would have fantasies of who I would become once I grew up. I would marry well and live happily ever after. Right?
As the years went on, the feeling of self-worth never existed for me. So, my actions and choices reflected the consequences of lack-thinking. I would reach for a star and then somehow, miss it. I would get close to that A and somehow, miss one question to cause an A-.
I marry the guy that I think truly loves me, even when I do not love myself, only to find that all he ever wanted was a pin cushion.
To this very day, he still abuses us. He calls me names, accusing me of things I don't do, and uses our daughter as a weapon to keep his abuse tethered to our past.
I accepted jobs out of urgent haste only to find out that the reason they hired me is that they have burned through everyone else, and at least I was a body. None of these folks cared for who I am nor do they care much about anything other than their own needs.
There are times when I felt like I was swirling in and out of my self-worth. I was losing faith that the next situation would be better than the last. I keep repeating the same mistakes. The same relationships but with different faces. The same scenarios of bullying.The same “lack thinking”, and low feelings of self-worth. The same indifference to the world as there are days it is simply not beautiful.No matter how hard I worked on the broken bits, there was no clear evidence that fixing them was changing Today.
I repeated the questioning of my own doing. WHY. Why the fuck do I deserve this? HOW do I keep making this same attraction? I do not want these people in my life yet, they come like vultures. More cleverly disguised each time.
Somewhere, somehow, I still lack. What FEAR is it that I am holding so tightly too? WHERE is this leak in my majorly beautiful cosmic soul? WHY am I so afraid to be successful? What reason should I feel guilt by living my fullest potential? Why should I passively sit back and allow others to step on me? What is it that I don't grasp in this crazy roller coast ride? I completely accept and acknowledge that my impulsivity is a response to my once abused self.
BUT I NO LONGER LIVE there.
So BREATHE.
I accept that I may not be strong enough, smart enough, prepared enough, nor trusting enough to walk the road of success.
BUT WHY SHOULD THIS PREVENT MY TRYING?
It's delightful to see that no matter how much we try and fix things, that maybe? Just letting the pieces lay on the ground and walking away is truly for our best. It is not denial because you know those pieces are there. It is not avoidance as you know that they are there. It is letting them go and to be ok with saying goodbye. Simply saying “FUCK YOU! I DESERVE BETTER” and walking away is more powerful in your own healing.
Maybe? The knowing that there is nothing ever- that will make you perfect. This will allow you the strength enough to love your “im- perfect” self. Maybe not being in such a rush to figure out our “why the fucks” will allow enough time to heal the wounds that remain open. Allowing time to heal you and trusting that it will. Maybe? The understanding that Life will hand you a pile of shit storms and you just got to get through it.
If I look at my own journey in healing I need to be a little more proud of myself. I mean I have come a long way to get here. I am filled with such gratitude for just being alive. I should be proud that the same lessons have to disguise themselves much more cleverly. These new tests are to work harder to fool me. It does not mean that I don't have open wounds and that I don't still hurt. I am just at a place where I can touch them and be gentle in that healing process. My fingers circle around the open parts, caressing each gently. Learning to love them so that they can heal. No one else can help this process. I have to learn to love myself and all the parts that I have sewn together enough to heal the rest of what is still open.
It is clear I am getting it. Albeit, slower than I hope. BUT that in itself is another “AH HA! Gotcha” moment in my thinking. As an abuse survivor, my needs to hurry up and be impulsive are in the forefront at all times. It was how I survived all these years of severe pain and trauma. I am so used to walking on eggshells and not wanting to upset the monster I lived with. Now to consciously be aware that my idea of hurrying to heal is the same as hurrying to avoid being hurt.
I am moving away from the things, people, and choices that have never served me. And at times, that has meant walking this path alone. VERY alone. I have to shed the parts of my layer of protection that has no use anymore. Its becoming wildly clear that my tolerance to live this way is no longer and that in this? I need to embrace my need to step into the darkness, and if I fall, at least I tried. My truth is that I don't trust anyone, including myself. So making this leap is asking myself to hold me tightly and to love me even if I splatter. See? I think this is my next level of healing one of my WHY the FUCKS? It is the very fact I don't trust myself. I second guess myself so I end up getting an A- or a shit job. I struggle deeply with knowing the difference between the Universe speaking and my inner fearful child speaking.
AH HA! Gotcha!
I am caught.
The truth of what holds me back and what has always held me back is simply ME.
If you understand those who have survived abuse, then you would know trusting anyone, thing or situation is not something we do as the story seems to unfold the same. Hurt. However, I pled with other survivors to get angry enough to fuel one more ounce of hope and take that step.
Burn that shit baby, BURN!
Afterall?
You have nothing more to lose.
Until next time……………..
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I write pieces of my 43-years journey circling this planet. Some are past and some present. The time is not relevant.
It’s the story of healing, hope, transformation, and my overall determination not to give up.
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